When Hearts Won't Heal
by dublin writer
Summary: This is a "What happened in between " story that I wrote to fill in the gaps between the end of Act IV and the Epilogue of the Season two episode "A Wrongful Death" It is purely my interpretation and as usual I do not own any of the characters of the series or episode in question. They belong to Quinn Martin and I have merely borrowed them to tell my story.
1. Chapter 1

**When Hearts Won't Heal**

 **A/N: I'd like to dedicate this story to three very loyal supporters and friends. One whose birthday I recently missed back in December, one who is just recovering after a bad dose of a cold and one whom I am hoping to meet with next week for a long overdue catch up. They know who they are :-) Enjoy guys with my thanks and appreciation. It is a three chapter story that I have fully completed and I will be posting it one chapter a day for the next few days until it is fully posted. Thank you to all those who read and reviewed my Christmas Story. Your support and kind words meant a awful lot. Xx  
**

Chapter 1

At just before nine am on a dreary, overcast Saturday morning, Mike stood at the entrance to the pool and watched the young man in the water from a distance. Swimming the length of the pool at a fast pace he watched him barely catch a breath at the other end before swimming the length of the pool again. Steve was an excellent swimmer and seemed quite at home in the water. Mike knew he often swam before or after work and that it was something that the young man enjoyed and that he found both invigorating and relaxing at the same time. After a hard day at Bryant street or on his very rare days off Mike had often found him here swimming away the stress and tiredness caused by the gruelling, long working hours and the tough cases they encountered in their profession but this morning something was badly off ... The young detective's swimming seemed more frenzied and gruelling and Mike frowned. Mike had seen a huge and alarming change in his young partner this past seven days since the unfortunate incident that had taken place in the Cannery and Mike had to admit he was worried ... Very worried.

He stood watching as Steve swam numerous lengths of the pool, back and forth like a man possessed and wondered how long he had been here? How many lengths had he swam and when was he going to take a break? After watching what he felt was roughly the thirtieth time across, Mike felt that he could take no more and he ambled slowly towards the edge of the pool right where he knew Steve would surface on his return swim. Just as expected Steve arrived and surfaced briefly and caught sight of the two shoes just at the edge. Looking up at first alarmed and then visibly relaxing when he saw the familiar face under the fedora, Steve threaded water and wiped the dripping chlorinated water from his face, slicking his wet hair back at the same time. His breaths were ragged after his intense workout and he was visibly trying to regain his breath before speaking, so Mike stepped in and spoke first.

"Morning Buddy boy ... That was some fast swimming ... You know for a while there I had to check and make sure there wasn't a shark chasing you ..."

Steve chuckled a little at Mike's humor but Mike noticed that the laugh faded quicker than it usually would.

"You can't beat a good workout Mike ... Anyway what are you doing here so early on a Saturday morning? ... I thought you'd be home relaxing seeing as it's the first Saturday we've had off for weeks ..."

Steve was still breathing heavily and Mike frowned again.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut your workout short today Steve. I need you to come with me ..."

It was Steve's turn to scowl as he steadied himself by reaching out for the bar at the pool's edge.

"Aw Mike , don't tell me we've been called in. Not today ... What is it? A body?"

Mike was almost relieved at Steve's choice of words as it meant not having to lie directly to the young man in the water and smiling warmly he answered.

"You got it! Now get your duff out of there and go shower. We need to leave in twenty minutes ... Come on ..."

"Aw Man! ... " Steve audibly complained as he hauled himself up out of the water and shook the dripping water from his hair.

Of all days, Steve was NOT in the humor to start a new case today. He had hoped that he would have until Monday to readjust himself back into work. This past week had been a living nightmare for the young detective and Steve felt that although things in the case had been resolved as well as they could be under the circumstances, Steve felt his nightmare was not quite over yet.

Mike walked over and picked up a large blue towel from the bench at the side and turned to where the young man was now shivering slightly after his untimely exit from the warm water. Mike frowned further as he saw Steve's frame which definitely showed signs of having lost weight that he could ill afford this past week. Noticing Mike's uncomfortable stare, Steve's arms crisscrossed his chest and Mike knew the reason why.

"This yours?"

Steve nodded as Mike tossed the towel in his direction. Mike watched as Steve gratefully draped it around his shoulders, shielding his visible weight loss from Mike's eagle eyes.

"Ok, give me twenty and I'll meet you out in the car Mike ..." Steve said as he turned and headed back towards the changing rooms.

"Sure, the car's parked just outside ..." Mike called after him.

Mike stood where he was and watched Steve amble away, and something about the way he walked caused a lump to appear in his throat. It lacked Steve's usual energy and enthusiasm and instead despondency and weariness were visible in his every step. He had been suspicious these last couple of days that something serious was going on with Steve but try as he had to broach the subject with him carefully, his attempts had been foiled each time by Steve's fervent attempts to cover up his ongoing misery. The weight loss and the lack of energy coupled with the ever growing dark circles under the young man's eyes that took away from his usual boyish good looks both alarmed and terrified the older man and after the few phone calls he had received since yesterday evening, Mike had decided that today was the day he had to pull him back from the brink before it was too late.

He had hoped that finding the missing gun and finding out that Spencer's brother Jack had been arguably the most responsible for the Cannery incident would have helped his partner come to terms with what had happened better but to Mike's intense disappointment it hadn't seemed to make a blind bit of difference. Steve was still punishing himself for what had happened and it was reaching a dangerous level. With his plan in mind, Mike prayed that it would work and that Steve would be compliant. If he wasn't ... Mike really wasn't sure what else to do and that thought was the one that scared him the most.

Nineteen minutes later almost to the second, Mike watched as Steve descended the steps of the building and opened the passenger door. He was dressed casually in a red shirt with the top button open teamed with a beige sports jacket and trousers and throwing his gym bag into the back seat he sat in and closed the door behind him. His hair had been visibly towel dried but was still damp in patches and Mike noted that he looked a sorry sight.

"You want me to drive?" He asked only this time again the young man's enthusiasm was audibly missing from his voice.

"No, that's ok. I'll drive today. "

But before Mike started the engine he reached down at his feet and produced a brown paper bag. Reaching in, he retrieved a polystyrene cup and handed it to Steve.

"Here ... I took the liberty of getting you a coffee. I thought you might need it. You still look a little chilled Buddy boy ... What happened? No hot water in there?"

"No ... Just no time for a long enough hot shower ..." the young man grumbled accepting the coffee gratefully and shivering again slightly as he sipped the hot welcoming liquid. "Thanks for the coffee ..."

Mike nodded and studied the young man a little more. Broaching the next subject carefully, he spoke in a friendly tone.

"Did you have breakfast this morning Buddy boy?"

Steve tried to hide the scowl that escaped but failed miserably.

"Ah ... Yeah ... I ... I grabbed something earlier ..." he stammered hoping the subject would be dropped but instead Mike reached into the bag again much to his growing dismay.

"Well after that hectic workout you must be ravenous ... So I also took the liberty of getting you a filled breakfast bagel ..."

He handed the offending item to Steve who did his best to smile at his partner's thoughtfulness but as he unwrapped the foil wrapper and saw the bacon and egg inside the bagel and the bacon smell wafted upwards towards him, Steve's stomach churned and he quickly wrapped it back up and spoke in as normal a tone as he could muster.

"I'll save it for later ... thanks. I don't like eating too much after a workout. I'll stomach it better in a little while ... Listen can we stop at my place on the way to the crime scene, please? I'm not exactly properly attired for work and my 38" and my ID and cuffs are all locked up back at my place."

Mike scowled at the discarded bagel and then turned the key in the engine.

"You look ok ... and you won't need those other things just yet. We'll pick them up later." Mike stated firmly and before Steve had a chance to protest, Mike had pulled out into the traffic and they were driving across town without further delay.

Steve remained quiet, sipping his coffee as Mike drove. He would have preferred to have had a chance to grab his tie and his other belongings before heading to the crime scene but he had sensed from Mike's tone that it was not a negotiable matter. His gun on the other hand he was strangely glad to leave locked up in his bedside locker. He had barely touched it since it has been returned to him a few days after the shooting. Instead he had locked it away where he wouldn't have to look at it. He wasn't actually sure when he would be able to even use it again. Five minutes later and Steve nearly choked on his coffee as Mike spoke without taking his eyes off the road, drawing the young man from his thoughts. .

"Lenny called me last night ... He said you stormed out of your meeting with him yesterday ..."

Steve almost splattered his coffee out but instead managed to swallow it down, coughing a little as it almost went the wrong way. As he recovered his breath he turned towards the older man and Mike saw annoyance in his partner's green eyes but there was another emotion mixed with it. One that Mike was having trouble reading.

"Oh really? ... Well I bet he couldn't wait to get on the phone and RAT on me about that huh?"

Mike snapped back much to Steve's shock and surprise.

"NOW STEVE! You know that's not FAIR! You know Lenny had no other choice but to report that to someone. You should be just grateful he chose to tell ME and not OLSEN."

Steve's face fell and caught Mike off guard. Mike hadn't meant to reprimand the young man so harshly but his destructive behaviour and attitude were starting to irritate him and he had to make Steve see that Lenny hadn't told on him lightly. Steve's eyes now held a certain amount of uncertainty and panic as he stammered a response in a much more subdued and anxious manner.

"Is he ... going to tell Olsen?"

Not having meant to upset him, Mike lowered his tone and spoke more sympathetically.

"No ... Not yet ... I got him to hold off until I spoke to you ..."

Steve audibly sighed and turned to gaze out the passenger window, and Mike knew he was trying to pull his emotions back together before the conversation took a more sinister turn. Steve was an expert at disguising his inner feelings and the last few days had proven that, but today Mike could tell that his partner's mask was starting to slip and with the strain of keeping up a brave face for so long, it was starting to show some signs of cracking. Perhaps Mike thought, he HAD picked the best day for a showdown after all.

Mike continued driving as an awkward silence filled the car. Mike knew that soon they would be on the Interstate and he knew that then Steve would start to become suspicious of where they were heading, so he knew he had about ten minutes or less perhaps to quickly broach the subject.

"Well? ... Are you going to tell me why you stormed out Buddy boy?"

Steve didn't turn around but Mike heard him sigh again. Still without turning he spoke and there was a clear tone of angst audible in his voice.

"He ... he kept pushing Mike ... I ... I don't know why exactly ... I just needed to get out of there. I felt like ... like I couldn't breathe ..."

Mike's heart went out to the young man beside him. He was trying so hard to cope on his own, like he'd always had to, but this time he was visibly struggling. Mike continued in a quiet tone.

"Steve? It's Lenny's job to push hard. That's how he helps people. Did ... Did you tell Lenny that? How you were feeling? He would have understood you know?"

Steve finally tore his gaze back from the passenger window and looked at Mike briefly. The sorrowful and tortuous look that he gave him sent cold shivers up Mike's spine. He merely shook his head dolefully from side to side just once before turning away again.

"I see ... " Mike replied. "You just bailed, huh? Steve? Olsen is letting you back to work but you know it all hinges on Lenny's report don't you? He's got to certify you back fit for work and so you HAVE to finish the sessions with him Steve!"

Steve turned once more but this time he looked annoyed again. Mike noted that the young man's emotions were all over the place and that was never a good sign.

"NO MIKE! Absolutely not ... I'm not doing anymore sessions with Lenny. I did three this week already. That should have been enough ..."

"Well Lenny obviously doesn't think so and you KNOW that's not up to you to decide ... "

At this point the car drove onto the Interstate and as he suspected Steve started to become curious. His annoyance seemingly forgotten for now, he whipped his head around to look at Mike.

"Mike? Where are we going? And why are we taking the Interstate?"

"Because the body's in San Mateo County ... That's why. Colma to be exact ..." Mike responded calmly.

"Colma? But why isn't the Colma Police Department handling it? " Steve asked with even more disbelief in his tone.

"Because we are that's why ... Now will you stop asking questions and try answering a few instead please? You're going back to Lenny first thing Monday morning and that's final! You hear me?"

Steve didn't answer. He didn't feel like it. As far as Steve was concerned wild horses wouldn't drag him back to Lenny's office but he would worry about that later. First he was curious as to why they were going to a murder scene in San Mateo County. He wanted to question Mike some more about it but Mike had gone quiet and he feared his questions would just drag up the unwanted conversation about Lenny again so he stayed quiet.

The drive continued in silence and Steve watched as they approached Colma. Something was started to unnerve him. Something he felt he was missing. He was so tired and with so much on his mind these days his brain wasn't functioning at full speed as a result. But there was something about Colma. Something he felt he should be remembering. Too bad for Steve that memory didn't return until they turned in through the gates of Cypress Lawn Memorial Park, when out of nowhere Al Davies' recent phone call came back a little too vividly. Spencer's funeral was taking place here on Saturday ... Saturday! ... TODAY! He wheeled around at Mike, just now realizing what body Mike was taking him to. He'd been had by an expert. Steve felt panic rise within him and his breath caught in his throat as Mike drove forward through the Memorial Park towards where a small contingent of Memorial Park workers were preparing a plot.

"MIKE. STOP THE CAR! " he shouted but Mike didn't listen. Instead he kept driving until they were further past where the funeral would take place and then he pulled in calmly to the side of the road, turned off the engine and turned to handle Steve. He knew that this was going to be the rough part but he was prepared for that. Gripping Steve by the shoulders he looked his partner straight in the eye.

"STEVE? You need to calm down and LISTEN to me now. "

"NO MIKE! I can't DO this ... You tricked me ... Why?"

"For your own GOOD. THAT'S WHY! You're going down a very destructive path Steve and someone has to turn you around before you go too far. Now listen to me will you?"

"NO. I don't know what you're talking about. I told Mr. Davies when he rang and asked me to come ... I told him I COULDN'T... He said he understood. Mike why? Why did you bring me here? WHY?"

"Because you HAVE to be here. THIS is the first step Steve and you have to TAKE it. Otherwise you're NEVER going to be able to put this behind you. I'm TELLING you Steve. You HAVE to trust me."

"What? After this? NO! You shouldn't have brought me here MIKE ..."

Without another word Steve wrenched out of Mike's grip and exited the car. But he didn't walk off. Instead he stood on the grass verge, the passenger door of the green LTD still wide open, trying to make his exhausted and overworked mind figure out what he should do next. He laced his fingers through his hair on either side of his head and then brought one hand down over his face in a nervous gesture, muttering as he did.

"Oh my God ... I can't believe you did this to me Mike ..."

Mike leaned sideways and saw Steve's angst and hoped he hadn't called it wrong. He still felt that he had to trust his Stone instincts though. They very rarely failed him so speaking as calmly as he could with concern for his partner growing by the second he addressed Steve firmly.

"Steve? Get back in the car. Please Steve? Come on ... What are you going to do, huh? Walk back to San Francisco? Just get back in and listen to what I have to say. If you still feel the same I'll take you back. I PROMISE Steve ... Come on ... BUDDY BOY? ... PLEASE?"


	2. Chapter 2

**When Hearts Won't Heal**

Chapter 2

Steve bent forward with his hands on his knees feeling decidedly lightheaded. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could handle. Right now he was unsure if he could walk as far as the entrance let alone any further so after several tortuous seconds and a few deep breaths he reluctantly sat back into the passenger seat but Mike noticed that he left the door open, perhaps keeping his options open for a quick escape if it became necessary. Mike was relieved when Steve sat back into the car and knew that from here on in he would need to use kid gloves and perhaps a few shock tactics along the way to bring Steve around to his way of thinking. Remembering his plan from earlier he spoke sympathetically and apologetically at the same time.

"You have every right to be annoyed with me Steve. I did trick you and I AM SORRY for that but I only did it because I'M WORRIED about you! And ... I'm not the only one. "

Steve again turned his face to stare at Mike and Mike knew he had peaked some sort of curiosity in the younger man.

"What are you talking about now?"

"Lenny wasn't the only one who called me Steve ... In actual fact I got a whole rake of phone calls last night. All saying the same that they were concerned about you and asking me to help you ..."

Steve swallowed hard. Had he really been acting that strange that everyone had noticed? Had he really been worrying a lot of people enough that they had felt the need to ring Mike? The last seven days had been an emotional blur for Steve. Most of the days blended together in his messed up head and apart from a few parts here and there, he had been pretty much on automatic pilot.

"Who? ... Who called you?"

"Jeannie for one ..."

"Jeannie?" Steve gasped.

He hadn't been talking to Jeannie. Why was Jeannie worried about him? How did she even know what had happened?

"Did you ... tell her what happened at the Cannery?"

"Yes Buddy boy. She called the night after it happened and I told her. I didn't think you'd mind her knowing but then she tried to call you every night for the last five days and she just got an engaged tone. And I rang you this morning and got the same. What did you do, huh? Put the phone in the refrigerator?"

Steve didn't answer but instead he caught Mike's eye and the look held a certain amount of shame and regret. In that instant, Mike read between the lines.

"Wait a second ... You disconnected it, didn't you?"

Steve stared at Mike and nodded reluctantly.

"STEVE? Why?"

Steve visibly flustered.

"I ... I don't know ... Everyone kept calling me ... And asking me if I was ok and ... And I couldn't ... I couldn't ..."

Steve was visibly struggling to explain so Mike helped him out.

" ... Couldn't keep up the brave act anymore ... Huh, Buddy boy?"

Steve hung his head without answering and brought both hands up to cover his face. He stayed that way for several seconds and Mike felt that they were making progress however slow. So he continued.

" ... And Anderson called. He told me about yesterday afternoon. "

Steve dropped his hands and a spark of annoyance resurfaced. He spoke almost defensively.

"AW MAN! He had no right to call you. I merely stumbled on the steps that's all. It was no big deal Mike."

"STEVE! He said you almost passed out on the steps up to your apartment. He said he had to practically carry you back inside to your place and that you're not eating properly. He said your fridge was empty and there wasn't any food at all in the presses ..."

"NO ... I just haven't had time to shop that's all ... "

"Ok. So what about Mrs. Peterson then?"

Again Steve's face fell at the mention of his downstairs neighbor's name and Mike noticed that the young man's breathing had quickened.

"She told me you're not sleeping Steve ... That she can hear your nightmares even from downstairs. She's heard you yelling and she said when she tried to go and talk to you about it, there was no answer to your door even though she KNEW you were inside ... "

Steve felt his heart constrict. Confronted with the mounting evidence that Mike had accumulated against him he was finding it increasingly hard to keep himself together and deny the evidence that was currently damning him. He started to feel trapped again just like he had in Lenny's Office yesterday afternoon. The open car door was proving too tempting as a way to escape the constant questions he felt he had no legitimate answers to.

"People just need to mind their own business Mike ... You know I don't have to listen to this ... "

He turned to bail out the door again but this time Mike was ready for him and caught his left arm firmly at the elbow and held him fast, preventing his escape attempt.

"DAMN IT STEVE ...YES YOU DO! You can't keep running from this ... You have to face it no matter how painful it is ... Look Steve, I know this is hard for you but people only rang because they CARE about you! Now, HAVE you been having trouble sleeping?"

At first Steve had fought Mike's grip but after Mike's sharp reprimand, Steve stopped and slumped back into the seat. Mike let go of Steve's arm seeing by the young man's exhausted demeanor that he didn't have much fight left in him. In an exasperated voice he responded, purposely not looking in Mike's direction.

"Alright ... so I haven't been sleeping great ... What did you expect Mike?"

"And what about Sam from the Swimming Pool?"

Again Steve turned to stare in misery at Mike and could barely get the words to leave his lips.

"Sam rang you too huh? "

Mike nodded.

"He says you've been over there every day this past week swimming like a man possessed. Pushing your body to its limits. He said he had to almost force you to leave everyday. Why Steve? Why were you pushing yourself so hard? Especially when you knew you hadn't been eating or sleeping properly. "

Steve didn't have any answers. At least not ones that made any sense. He settled for a sharp reply.

"Swimming isn't a crime Mike ... Besides it usually clears my head ..."

Ah Mike thought. There was the slip ... "usually". Only this time it wasn't working no matter how hard he had tried. The truth was out ... Now would come the make or break moment and Mike expertly steered the conversation to his benefit.

"You know what I think Buddy Boy?"

Steve shook his head and sneered once more, needing to keep his anger in place knowing that without it now, the floodgates would open and he would not be able to control his emotions anymore.

"No ... But something tells me you're going to tell me, right?"

Mike wasn't fooled by the angry tone. He knew it was Steve's last defense mechanism and that they were close to the breakthrough they both needed.

"That's right! I think you're trying to punish yourself because you can't stop feeling responsible for that boy's death. That's why you're not eating or sleeping and pushing yourself to breaking point. You're not trying to cope. You're trying to punish yourself. Because you feel its the only way to feel ok again. Like a self inflicted penance. That's it, isn't it Steve?"

Steve stared out the windscreen as several Funeral cars became visible coming in the far gates. The Davies family had arrived. Everything was falling apart around him. Mike saw his partner's bottom lip quiver and knew the young man was balancing his emotions on a knife edge. Now was the time to be there for him and support him. He reached over and laid a strong hand on Steve's left shoulder and squeezed hard.

"Buddy Boy? ..."

A solitary tear fell from Steve's eye and trailed heartwrenchingly down his left cheek and he didn't even move to wipe it away as his gaze remained on the funeral cars that were now slowly processing into the cemetery. In a very low and angst filled voice, Steve spoke.

"I killed him Mike ... I took that boy's life away ... He had his whole life ahead of him ... And I ... I killed him. I pulled the trigger Mike. How can I NOT feel responsible? ..."

Mike felt a lump appear in his throat as the enormity of the guilt and misery Steve had been trying to shoulder on his own this past seven days became apparent.

"Steve ... punishing yourself is not going to bring him back ... I know you feel responsible and yes I know you pulled the trigger but you had no choice. You had to make a life or death decision in a split second. You were being shot at and you saw him holding the gun. In any other situation it would have come down to him or you. Now you know that, don't you? If you had hesitated then it could have been YOU we were burying today ... This was just a tragic and unfortunate accident Steve and NO-ONE blames you. The Police board cleared you of any wrong doing. They ruled it a righteous shooting under the circumstances. Even his own father doesn't blame you. "

At that last sentence Steve turned and looked incredulously at Mike, now a second tear's trail visible on his right cheek, his tired eyes moist and holding a distinct look of desperation within their green depths.

"That's right Steve ... He called me too. He's worried about you as well. He told me he called you and asked you to attend the service with them today. He said you told him you couldn't. He's worried that he pushed you to breaking point before he found out about what Jack had done. He told me he doesn't hold any ill will towards you and I believe him. He just wants everyone to move on so he can grieve for his son and remember him fondly as he deserves to be ... Steve? The only one who's blaming you is ... YOU."

Another tear fell and Steve turned back and watched as Al Davies and the other members of his family exited the cars on the path up ahead. He wrung his hands together nervously on his lap. Reaching inside his jacket pocket Mike found his handkerchief and then pushed it into Steve's twisting hands. Accepting it gratefully, Steve quickly wiped at his face and then turned to look at his partner, a slight flush of embarrassment now visible under the dark circles.

"Mike? ... I'm really struggling with this one ... " Steve finally admitted as his voice broke slightly.

The admission was music to Mike's ears as he knew it was the first necessary step in Steve's recovery. Grabbing the young man's arm firmly, he smiled proudly and continued.

"I know you are ... That's why you have to let people help you this time Steve. I know you always prefer to deal with this kind of stuff on your own but this is too big. You need help and everyone wants to help you ... I want to help you ... Let me, will you please Buddy boy? You can't let this destroy you. You're stronger than this. You CAN get through this with help, I promise you. Steve, I'm not going to lie to you. You're going to carry the scar. But it will get easier with time. You'll see. Do what I tell you and what Lenny tells you and in a few month's time this will all be just a really bad memory. What do you say, huh? Will you let me help you?"

"How? ... How can you help me Mike? ... I ... I haven't been able to even pick up my gun since ..."

Mike had feared that would happen and while he wasn't surprised by Steve's revelation, it did worry him a little. But needing to boost Steve now rather than give him more cause for concern Mike remained upbeat and positive. He would discuss the finer details if necessary with Lenny later on.

"That's only natural Steve after what happened but you'll get over that too, mark my words. A few trips to the firing range and another talk or so with Lenny and you'll be fine with it again, you'll see, ok? Steve, we've all been there one time or another."

That statement drew a surprised look from Steve.

"Even ... you?"

"None of us are immune Steve. We've all had issues with our guns from time to time. It's the stark nature of our jobs but you'll be ok. "

Steve couldn't see how he would ever be ok with it again and with another worrying degree of sadness in his voice Steve responded.

"What if ... I'm not ... Mike?"

"Then we'll deal with that if the situation arises. But we'll deal with it together Steve, ok?"

Steve hung his head again and didn't answer. Instead he looked lost in his own fears and bad memories and Mike reached out and lifted the young man's chin and turned it back to face him.

"You hear me now? You're not on your own in this. You have to realize that. I know you feel like it's the end of the world right now ... but it's not Buddy boy. You're going to get through this. But right now you've got to take it one step at a time and one day at a time and you need to do as I tell you. Can you do that for me? "

Steve nodded dolefully and spoke in a bare whisper.

"Ok Mike ... What do I have to do?"

Mike smiled again and patted Steve's cheek proudly.

"Good man. Ok ... Well you're not going to like it but ... first and foremost you have to attend that boy's service. "

"Mike ... I don't think I can ..."

Steve closed his eyes as if Mike had just asked the impossible of him but Mike wasn't letting him get away that easy.

"Yes you can Steve. Trust me. It's the first step to accepting this and putting it behind you ... I'll be right there with you. Then afterwards we're heading back to San Francisco and you're going to come and stay with me for a while ..."

Mike saw Steve about to protest and again spoke again before he had the chance to.

" ... Ah, ah NO ARGUMENTS! If you're going to get through this, it has to be this way. Then, I'm going to cook you a decent meal and you're going to eat it. Then ... you're going to get some sleep. Lenny ... well ... he recommended some sleeping pills for you ... "

Again Steve looked horrified but Mike cajoled him further.

"You need to sleep and eat Steve. You can't argue with that and in the morning Lenny said that he'd come over and talk to you at the house. It will be easier there Steve. So what do you say? Are you with me? "

Steve laid his head against the back of the seat and sighed heavily. His eyes never left the funeral group who were now gathering around the grave and after several tortuous seconds he merely nodded at Mike.

"Ok ... "

Steve felt too tired and upset to argue and anyway his way wasn't working this time. A quick glance in the rearview mirror startled him as the dark circles Mike spoke about earlier were clear to see. His trousers the last few days had felt a little looser now that he thought about it and seeing his reflection clearly for the first time in a week, he began to understand why people had been worried about him. Had he really let things get so bad without fully realizing? He couldn't remember when he had eaten something substantial last without feeling sick to his stomach and managing to keep it down and he hadn't had a decent night's sleep since the shooting had happened. At least not one that he hadn't woken up in a sweat from as the nightmare replayed over and over, not allowing him to rest. He did need help and if he was going to have to get it from someone he couldn't think of someone he trusted more than Mike to get it from.

He looked across at Mike and cleared his throat.

"Looks like the service is about to start Mike ..."

"Yeah ... You ready to go over there yet?"

Steve straightened himself up and slicked his hair back into place with his hands and frowned.

"I look pretty rough Mike ... "

Mike smiled and reaching in to his other jacket pocket, he produced a tie and a comb that looked familiar to Steve and handed them to the younger man.

"I got these from your desk. I had a feeling you might be needing them today ..." he said grinning and was rewarded by a small smile from Steve as he took them.

It was the first semblance of a genuine smile that he had seen on Steve's face since the night at the Cannery and right now to Mike it was an encouraging sign and he would take what ever little smile he could get.

He watched as Steve put the tie on and fixed it around his neck using the rearview mirror and then he combed his hair neatly into place and sighed heavily.

"Ok ... I think I'm ready now ..."


	3. Chapter 3

**When Hearts Won't Heal**

 **A /N: Here is the final installment and thank you to all those who took the time to read it and comment on it. It was a missing piece that always bugged me and I wanted to see how it would play out in my imagination. I hope you were able to get even a little enjoyment from the finished piece as I enjoyed writing it. Xx  
**

Chapter 3

Mike nodded and watched as Steve exited the car and closed the passenger door behind him. Then he did the same and followed Steve across the road and towards the funeral service, only a couple of steps behind, watching for any sign that Steve needed him. As they got closer Steve's courage seemed to waver for a few seconds and he stopped walking and Mike could see him breathing heavily. He knew that this was going to be the hardest part for Steve and so he placed an encouraging hand on Steve's back as a show of support and spoke in a hushed tone just loud enough for Steve to hear.

"Go on now ... It'll be alright ... "

Steve hesitated and didn't seem too convinced but after a few uncertain seconds he started walking again, stopping just a little way behind the last row of mourners. There were maybe fifteen or sixteen people in the group and for now Steve was happy to remain behind them. The priest was reciting prayers and speaking about Spencer Davies and the tragic circumstances that had led to his passing. Steve felt his hands start to shake and had to blink back the tears that threatened to start again. Again he felt Mike's comforting hand on his back and he swallowed back the emotion he felt resurfacing. Then to his dismay the boy's father noticed him at the back of the crowd and asked the priest to stop the service for a moment. As the priest remained silent, Steve watched in trepidation as Al Davies split the crowd and approached towards him.

To Steve's added surprise he smiled as he approached and reaching him he clasped Steve's arms with his hands in a grateful gesture, even though his eyes held the same sadness and moisture as Steve's had moments before.

"You came ... I'm glad ... What changed your mind?"

Steve looked back at Mike briefly and caught his eye and then turned back to Al Davies and replied.

"It was the right thing to do ... Mr. Davies? I ... I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am ... If I could take that night back and do things differently I would ... Believe me ... "

Mr. Davies saw the genuine remorse in the young detective's eyes and heard the angst and tortuous tone in his voice and squeezed his arms gently.

"I know you are Steve ... I have a lot of regrets too ... especially where Jack is concerned. But now we must lay my boy to rest. Will you come and stand with me and my family? "

Steve looked horrified and protested.

"That's very generous of you but I don't think that's a good idea ... "

"Nonsense ... I insist ... Come along ..."

Al clasped his strong arm around Steve's shoulders and brought him alongside him towards the family group. Steve could see some of them wondering who he was and threw a nervous look back at Mike who mouthed at him again that it would be ok. He stood with the family as Al signalled for the priest to resume. The prayers continued and minutes later the priest called on Al to say a few words. Steve watched as Al Davies stepped forward a little in front of his son Spencer's casket and cleared his throat.

"My son Spence was a good boy. He was the image of his mother Marie in every way. He had such a big heart and he always made me so proud ... He didn't deserve what happened to him ..."

Al's voice broke a little and he stopped speaking for a second or two trying to get his emotions back under control. Mike watched as Steve hung his head and closed his eyes and he worried about how Steve was handling the speech which had to be tough for him to hear under the circumstances. He began to regret getting separated from him and so he moved back a little to see could he get back closer to where Steve was standing in case he was needed. Al's partner Laney stepped forward and linked Al's arm and he turned and forced a smile for her benefit before continuing ...

"I was so angry at the time that I blamed this young man here for taking my son away."

Al gestured to Steve and the young man's face turned ashen grey with the shock.

"Mr. Davies ... Please don't ..." he muttered desperately but Al was determined to say what he felt he needed to.

"I blamed him for not doing his job properly. For using his gun carelessly. I berated him in front of his peers. I wanted him to suffer for what he did to my family ... "

Steve's breathing was now coming in fast heaves and he looked over to where Mike had been standing and couldn't see the older man. He felt panic rise within him as he desperately scanned the crowd to find Mike and then startled as a hand alighted on his shoulder. Spinning round he saw Mike now standing right behind him and the look of relief on his face was evident.

"However the irony was that Steve WAS the one doing his job that night. He was protecting the property of citizens just like you and me from kids whose parents didn't even know where their kids were that night. So you see Steve wasn't the one not doing his job ... It was me. I'm the one who wasn't aware or responsible. Not this young man. It was my fault Spencer died and I'm the one who should have to live with that guilt from now on ... Not him ... And I'm the one who should be saying sorry to you Steve for what my family has put you through ... "

Al took Steve's hand and patted it before dropping it and turning back towards the casket once more. Steve's shoulder was now shaking under Mike's hand and Mike squeezed it and spoke into Steve's ear from behind.

"Easy now Steve ... "

Al reached out and touched the casket and spoke with the heartbreak that only a parent who has lost a precious child could ever know.

"And I need to say sorry to you Spence ... for letting you down son ... For not protecting you or listening to you or knowing what Jack was doing ... I hope you're with your mother and please know that I love you son ... I love you and I miss you ... so much ... I'll never forget you ... "

Al broke down and started to cry and other sobs of grief followed from the crowd. Steve was tearing up and had what felt like a boulder now firmly stuck in his throat. Al's heartbreak was heart wrenching and despite his heartfelt words taking the blame, Steve still felt responsible for it in his own heart. Mike was considering taking him back to the car as he felt the young man's shoulders still shaking but just then a white butterfly appeared from out of nowhere and landed on Al's shoulder. There were gasps from the crowd as Al watched as the butterfly settled for mere seconds and then took off again. Laney covered her mouth and sobbed ... Unsure what was going on Steve looked at Laney who seemed to sense his confusion and she smiled through her tears and explained.

"Some people believe that a white butterfly at a funeral symbolizes the soul of your departed loved one. I think maybe Spence is trying to tell Al he loves him too ..."

Steve whipped his head around to look back at Mike to see what Mike felt about that but Mike merely shrugged his shoulders and raised an eyebrow in response.

The priest started speaking again and Laney steered a distraught Al back to his original spot. The service continued and after some music and final prayers, the casket was lowered into the grave and one by one Al and Laney and several other family members threw red roses down into the grave. The service ended shortly after that and people started tapering off back to the cars. Al said his final goodbyes to his son before turning back towards Steve and taking his hand in a warm handshake.

"Thanks for coming Steve. It meant a lot to me and I'm sure to Spence too. Don't be a stranger huh? Come over to Pastine's Dug out once in a while, ok?"

"Sure ... You take care Mr. Davies ..."

"You too Steve."

Soon Steve was the last one standing with Mike. Mike grabbed his elbow.

"You ok Buddy boy?"

Steve stood still staring at the grave sadly.

"I'm not sure Mike ... Do you believe what they said about the butterfly?"

"Who knows? ... Maybe ... I guess I'd like to believe it. It's a nice idea, huh?"

"Yeah ..."

"Come on Steve. Let's go home now. Ok? You did what you had to do ..."

"No Mike ... Not quite ... Just give me a few minutes will you please Mike?"

"Sure ... you want me to wait in the car or stay with you?"

"No ... I'll see you back in the car Mike, thanks ..."

"Alright ... But don't be long, ok?"

Steve just nodded and Mike felt a little reluctant about leaving him. The young man looked so worn out both physically and emotionally and he didn't like the thought of leaving him where he was now standing, teetering near the open grave. As he hesitated, Steve looked at him and forced a smile.

"It's ok Mike ... I'll be alright ..."

"You won't go too close to the edge will you?"

Steve smiled a genuine smile this time at Mike's overprotective question.

"What do you think I'm gonna do Mike ... jump in?"

Mike reached out and grabbed the back of Steve's neck playfully.

"Wiseguy! Of course not ... But I am worried about you collapsing and maybe ... falling in."

"Don't worry ... I won't go too close, ok?"

Releasing Steve, Mike smiled and wagged a finger playfully in his partner's direction.

"Alright ... I'll go wait in the car but if you're not back in ten minutes I'll be back and I'll be bringing the tow rope with me just in case! " Mike teased before patting Steve's shoulder and heading back towards the car.

Steve smiled after him and then as Mike disappeared from his line of vision his face darkened again and he turned back towards the boy's grave. Thinking of what Mike had said, he realized that he WAS feeling a little bit on the weak side so not wanting Mike's worry to be realized, he decided to get down on his haunches beside the grave instead. Reaching down he pulled at the grass nervously with his fingers as he began to speak.

"Hi Spencer ... Ah, you don't know me but ... I know you. My name is Stephen Keller and ... and I'm the Police Officer who ... who shot you ... You see ... you were holding the gun and ah ... it was dark and ... I thought ... "

Steve's voice broke and he felt his eyes brimming again. He took a deep breath and steadied his voice as well as he could under the circumstances. He couldn't quite believe how difficult this was proving to be.

"Anyway ... That's what happened and ... I just wanted you to know ... how very sorry I am and if I could change what happened I would ... I don't expect you to ever forgive me ... The truth is ... I'm not quite sure I'm ever going to be able to forgive myself ... "

A tear flowed down his cheek and he grabbed Mike's handkerchief from his jacket pocket and wiped it away. It took at least another minute before he found himself able to speak again.

"Anyway ... I just wanted to know that I'll keep an eye out for your Dad from time to time and check in on Jack too. I figure that's the least I can do for you ... I'm really sorry kid ... Really, really sorry ..."

Steve hung his head, and tried to regulate his breathing better before heading back to the car when a white butterfly just like earlier, suddenly landed on his arm. Steve held his breath in disbelief as the beautiful butterfly stayed there for several seconds before flying off again. Steve wasn't sure what to make of the strange coincidence and yet somehow in a strange way it made him feel a little better inside. He got up shakily and headed slowly for the car, his mind racing as fast as his heart rate was.

Mike meanwhile, had been getting impatient. He sat drumming his fingers on the steering wheel and checked his watch for the umpteenth time in the last nine minutes. Not seeing Steve coming he muttered under his breath, unable to stand the waiting any longer.

"Alright, that's it! ... You've been long enough Steve ..."

He got out of the car just as he saw Steve heading over the embankment and down towards the car. He looked ok. A little distracted maybe and tired. Yes ,very tired but other than that, not too bad. He stood as Steve came closer and frowned as he noticed that Steve's eyes looked as if he had been upset again.

"Just on time. I was just about to get that tow rope Buddy boy ..." Mike joked to judge the young man's current mood.

To his relief Steve greeted what he said with a small smile.

"You ok Buddy boy? "

"Yeah ... Yeah I think so ..."

"You sure? It was pretty rough back there for a while. Wasn't it?"

"Yeah ... Yeah it was ..."

Mike stepped forward and clasped Steve's shoulders with both hands and answered skilfully

"But you got through it! ... Even though you didn't think you could earlier. That's what I'm telling you Buddy boy ... You're going to have rough days and times ahead but you'll get through them just like you did today. Never underestimate how strong you are Steve ... or how many people care about you ... You got that?"

Steve nodded gratefully, not quite trusting his voice to speak just yet after the emotional and upsetting service he had just endured.

Mike released him proudly and watched as Steve went around the front of the car and got in and then he got back in too, studying Steve closely as he did. He waited to see if Steve would say something first and he didn't have to wait long.

"Mike? Thanks for bringing me here today ... You were right ... I think it did help ..."

"Well I'm glad it did. Now ... Let's go home, ok? And on the way you can think about what you'd like me to make for you to eat when we get there. What do you fancy Buddy boy? But remember ... I'm not Jeannie. The list of dishes I can make is limited you know? So what do you think?"

"I'm not sure Mike ... but nothing too heavy, huh?"

"I see ... Yes you're right. If you haven't been eating well then it's probably better to start with something light. Well ... that rules out my tuna casserole ... You think you could get your mouth all ready for a tuna salad?"

Steve smiled.

"Yeah ... I think maybe I could manage that. "

Mike clapped his hands together gleefully.

"Great! Then you got it. "

Mike turned the key in the ignition and then seeing that Steve's face had turned serious again beside him he decided to try and cheer his partner up further.

"You know Steve you really are something else you know that?"

Steve turned and looked curiously at him.

"What do you mean?"

Mike smiled and with the engine now running he sat back in the driving seat and explained with a mischievous glint in his blue eyes.

"Well you know I've seen many Police Officers over my years on the force who went through some pretty rough times just like you have these last seven days. I've seen them turn to alcohol, gambling and worse to drown their sorrows and help them forget but YOU! You try to SWIM yourself to death. Trust you to pick a healthy way of even doing THAT!"

Mike laughed and was heartened to see Steve laugh back.

After the giggles subsided, Steve looked gratefully at Mike.

"You know Mike? Today is the first day I even felt like smiling since ... well you know?"

"Yeah ... I noticed ... And I also know it's good to see you smiling again."

"Well, its all thanks to you ... Mike? I think ... I think that maybe I feel ready to talk to Lenny again now. "

Mike couldn't quite believe what he had heard. This day had turned out better than he could have possibly hoped for and Mike suddenly felt better than he had in days. The intense worry he had been carrying around over Steve seemed to lift and he could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for Steve. He drove off with a huge smile on his face.

"Mike? ... Do you think ...that Al Davies is going to be ok?"

"Oh sure. He'll be fine. Besides he's got a good woman in his corner. That Elaine Russo has a good heart. She'll get him through it. After all, that's half the battle you know? Having the right person in your corner."

Mike's words sunk in to Steve's tired brain and he looked sideways at Mike as the older man headed for the Cemetery gates. Mike noticed the young man staring and took this eyes briefly off the road to look at him.

"What? I miss a spot shaving this morning?" he asked lightheartedly, rubbing at the cheek Steve had been staring at.

Steve smiled and looked away before responding.

"No, I was just thinking that's all. If what you said about having half the battle won already if you have the right person in your corner is true then ... then I think I'm going to be ok too Mike ..."

Touched by the young man's heartfelt words Mike beamed proudly across at his partner.

"Oh I think you're going to be just fine Buddy Boy. Just fine. You look exhausted though. So why don't you lie back, RELAX and try and catch forty winks on the way home."

"Yeah ... Yeah that's a good idea Mike ... I might just do that."

Steve laid his head back against the seat of the car and stared out of the passenger window at the scenery whizzing by and for the first time in the past seven days he felt something new. Hope. He knew he still had a long road ahead of him but with Mike in his corner he knew he had the best chance of making it ..."

 **The End**


End file.
